The worst accident

I remember an episode of The Little Rascals where the kids were discussing divorce. They really didn’t know what divorce was, but they knew one of the kid’s parents were getting one. As they speculated and guessed, Stymie blurted out that Da-vorced is a type of an accident. The rest of the gang all looked at him for an explanation. He said his uncle had once seen an accident and told him it was “Da-Vorced” accident he had ever seen. (“the worst”; you get it?!?) Actually; not so far-fetched.

Divorce after 30 years of marriage is rough to say the least. The bible uses the analogy of being cut in two. An analogy which effectively illustrates the results. Some may refine the analogy to describe it as surgery to remove a cancerous tumor. It is a choice more than half of marriages end up making. Yes, it can be the choice of one partner and not the other, but it takes two to make a marriage work. Choosing divorce is never painless, but often it is less painful than remaining married.

Before entering the bonds of holy matrimony both parties should understand they are not only marrying each other, but also each other’s family and friends. They are marrying each other’s beliefs, religion, annoying habits, etc. The two become one, and let no man put asunder. It requires effort from both parties. Not 50/50 as many say, the effort required is 100/100.

Marital Bliss. Ignorance is Bliss. There is a connection. Being blinded to faults of a partner is common. This blindness is not long term, and insight returns after, if not during, the honeymoon. Turning a blind eye to faults is often a choice made by one or both parties to emulate the initial bliss, a choice which will likely cause damage. Periodic checkups and self-examinations should be performed to keep a marriage healthy. When the signs of disease are overlooked, the disease will win.

My choice to divorce was made 5 or 6 years before my divorce. Very few people were aware I had made this choice. I kept it to myself, having had watched the process of divorce of friends, I knew the problems involved. I have a habit of learning from the mistakes of others. I would like to point out I believe my choice of divorce was never the mistake. But, mistakes were made in underestimation of the result. Remember, people don’t just marry each other.

For me, personally, the choice included my belief system. I married with the firm belief that divorce was NOT an option. In fact, if my belief system had not been challenged to the point of a change in belief, divorce would NOT have been an option. I have lost many ‘Brothers and Sisters in Christ’ through my divorce. I don’t think any of them know that the choice of divorce came long after my loss of faith. It is true, I have abandoned my deepest held beliefs. That is another story.

As I have stated before, I am back at ground zero. Despite the treatment received from my Christian friends, I am not bitter. Family members shun me, but I press on. Recovery from major surgery takes time and effort. Recovery from divorce requires more. Physical Therapy, along with mental, emotional, and spiritual work are all necessary. I have lost many friends. Family reacted worse. I feel the loss, but I feel better every day.

Listening without judgement is key to support. It is also the most difficult thing to do. Of course, if you don’t ask, you don’t have to listen. Ignorance is indeed bliss.

Special thanks to the few who’ve stuck with me while allowing me to recover.