Darkest before the dawn
I had a dream once, a long time ago (in high school). In the dream, all light was gone. There was no electricity for the lights. Even outside, there was only pitch black. It was dark and had no sight. It was an unnatural thing, it was apocalyptic. But I was able to walk carefully through the house, out the back door, and through the gate without any problem. I remembered where all the obstacles were, and went slowly in case something had moved. I had a sense of well being the whole time. When the light finally returned, I was amazed how far I had moved without an issue.
It is apparent to me now that that dream was about the time from April 2016 until now. It was my Dark Night of the Soul.
I don’t remember ever reading the poem by St. John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul, but whenever I heard it mentioned, I thought of that dream I had. (I finally looked up the poem and read it today. I have included the poem at the end of this post.)
I first remember hearing of it when it was mentioned in The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul, by Douglas Adams. (Which reminds me, I really do enjoy Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency on BBC America.)
F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote: But at three o’clock in the morning, a forgotten package has the same tragic importance as a death sentence, and the cure doesn’t work—and in a real dark night of the soul it is always three o’clock in the morning, day after day.
Today, I am thinking of how to move past my personal long dark night of the soul resulting from being fired from Applied Medical. I just need to move on. I guess I will have to let that rattle around in my subconscious a bit longer, but I want it done by tomorrow, November 21st, the anniversary of my starting day at Applied Medical.
Moving on… Shift happens, and it is better to anticipate the shift. (Like a roller coaster, so let’s throw our hands up and enjoy the ride.) I have come to the realization that I need to just do something. Get to the point where I am visible to others, so they will come to me. Time to put the last 18 months of learning to action.
I feel a convergence of forces coming together in my life now. I need to start paddling to catch this wave.
Dark Night of the Soul
By St. John of the Cross
Once in the dark of night,
Inflamed with love and yearning, I arose
(O coming of delight!)
And went, as no one knows,
When all my house lay long in deep repose
All in the dark went right,
Down secret steps, disguised in other clothes,
(O coming of delight!)
In dark when no one knows,
When all my house lay long in deep repose.
And in the luck of night
In secret places where no other spied
I went without my sight
Without a light to guide
Except the heart that lit me from inside.
It guided me and shone
Surer than noonday sunlight over me,
And led me to the one
Whom only I could see
Deep in a place where only we could be.
O guiding dark of night!
O dark of night more darling than the dawn!
O night that can unite
A lover and loved one,
Lover and loved one moved in unison.
And on my flowering breast
Which I had kept for him and him alone
He slept as I caressed
And loved him for my own,
Breathing an air from redolent cedars blown.
And from the castle wall
The wind came down to winnow through his hair
Bidding his fingers fall,
Searing my throat with air
And all my senses were suspended there.
I stayed there to forget.
There on my lover, face to face, I lay.
All ended, and I let
My cares all fall away
Forgotten in the lilies on that day.