Why is it that I am so closed?

I would love to be open and transparent. But, I have a block. Somewhere I picked up the “you first” attitude. Do I over react to complaints about me? Perhaps.

Boy, my Personal Akashic Record must be a wild ride these days. I need a full playback of the last 5 years. What is the mistake I made that is exponentially out of control now? What is the one thing I can do to correct course? Inquiring minds want to know.


I am not your average meditator. Quieting down the mind is the issue. I always have something floating through, usually lots of stuff. I seem to get best in the mediation mode when I am out walking. Perhaps it keeps my conscious mind busy, so I can climb into the subconscious a bit. But, even then, I am bouncing around in thought. I wonder if there is an isolation chamber nearby. That might alter my states a bit.

Perhaps Julia Cameron’s idea of morning pages is on to something. Getting the clutter out of the way so you can seriously focus. Think of it like clearing off your desk of all papers and such before you write. (I think it includes cleaning the whole office, arranging things so you know where to find them, but removing distraction.)

I suppose the mind is quite cluttered after a night’s sleep. Dreams may clutter up more than we know. Like having a bunch of post-it notes all over the room with no order. Scraps of notes, half written notepads. No rhyme or reason. For me, it is best to just collect them up, put them into piles and folders and such for perusal at a later time. I suppose I should just trash them, but they often lead to opening a memory of substance.

Why is negativity such a downward spiral? Why is it harder to stop a downward spiral than a euphoric uplift? What does negativity go toward? Positive is attracted to negative, right? That is true in electromagnetism, but not in the Law of Attraction. Is negativity the background of everything? (Like darkness.) Using the analogy of light and dark, where does dark go when light appears? We know the speed of light, but does dark have a speed? Is dark simply the absence of light? Is dark simply non-motion, no frequency? Is gravity the darkness? Everything has gravity, are we all made of darkness? Darkness sucks!

Always remember, even a dead fish can swim downstream. Go against the flow! Get to the happy breeding grounds and meet your euphoric death! Wellsuch a deep subject! (Yes, that is a joke, but ne’er a truer word than those spoken in jest!)

Some people panic more as they lose control, I panic less. As long as I have control, I am responsible. But, when I am not in control, then I am just along for the ride. At least, that is how I think I deal with losing control. Embarrassment for losing control should be replaced with simple acceptance.

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